...I am unwise in the ways of peen, 'tis true. I can fix that if you think it's so bad; is pissing half-mast, uhm, hard?

Hmm, which fanon of yours is that? The fact that Sephiroth is a lab bunny with no social graces whatsoever? :B Or that he has no idea how normal people do masturbation?

Poor Lazard. He got pounced.